BEING IN THE POSITION OF HAVING TO LET GO
Greetings in Jesus:
There are very few things in our lives that are more frightening than being forced to let go of something that has been a part of your personal make up for most of your life, and yet there will be times when God may require us to let go of something that might other wise doom our relationship with Him..; At one point in my life after I finally made the decision within the intent of my heart to follow Him I found myself having to make a choice that I did not know if I could survive without in this life.
This of course was also linked to the generational sins of my fathers which although I fought hard to deal with I was also convinced that my general sex drive was something that was a part of my created being, and not a sinful trait. It was my sexual drive in itself that needed to be conquered through Christ, and not the life within me. I had been trying to make excuses for the one thing that had controlled me deep inside but was not let out because I knew in my heart the intensity of what I felt was not sex, but lust. It was that sin within my heart that I had to deal with, but I first of all had to trust in God enough to take that step of faith. I was in the third year of a beautiful marriage that had been built upon a mutual attraction with a great woman who is Patty my wife, and yet even for that relationship there were strong ties to my sexual drive. I began to also realize that in order for me to grow any closer to God I must first deal with a decision that would change our lives with each other and with what had ruled me for all of my life.
This for me was the one thing that I could not see myself without in life. It was also the one thing that stood between myself and a complete commitment to Christ. In my heart I knew that this had to be dealt with and yet for me it was impossible. This drive was a part of our creation and yet it also had to be governed by God's law. The natural law of " Go forth and multiply" was not the problem but it was the sinful lust tendency that came with that natural law to sin in my heart and mind that I had to deal with. The problem was that I could not simply subdue that drive in the ways society dictated, and I could not turn off what was in my mind...and what God knew was really in my heart. The problem was that as an adult the drive continued to get stronger, and now in my late forties I knew that an answer had to be found. You can only imagine the conversation I had to have with my wife about what was going on within me. At the time she still was not a Christian, and it was time for me to do something completely not understood by this world.
I was at a time and place in my life when I knew that I had to let go , but I did not know how. The thoughts of castration came, and for a long while I considered that because I needed help to quench the drive and submit my desires to God. I was literally at the point where I had to decide which one I wanted more; was it a sexual drive that I could no longer control, or was it my desire to draw closer to God? As my daddy would say "This is where the rubber meets the road".
I tried to wait for God hoping that the silent plea of my heart to compromise would be heard, and yet the Spirit from within me was continuing to tell me to let go! You see it was not the sexual drive that had to be dealt with , but the old nature of the man I was that had to be sacrificed, and with that sacrifice was all of the old ways and the old nature of my very life. I began to realize that as I died to that old self I began to live as a child of God should live; which is free from this world and with God everyday even while I was still alive here. I did indeed go through a kind of castration, but it was a spiritual castration that allowed me to die to the desire that had always ruled me. It was a death in many ways to this world and all it stood for to me in the past. My views of the beauty of women changed to a true appreciation of their created beauty and not to sexual thought, but unfortunately it also included my wife. Although we tried to still carry on a normal relationship we had to learn how to love one another without that part of life because I could no longer perform in that way.
It was a real battle for me with old habits popping back up from time to time and the understandable anger that ensued with Patty not understanding what was going on completely we had some difficult times for a while. Of course the enemy would poke and prod all he could to make it more difficult to stand by that decision because when the dust had settled it came down to it being a decision from my hearts desire as what I wanted most in my life; was it God or was it self? There are many of us who secretly are going through some of the same kinds of battles in their own efforts to get closer to God, and who are being challenged to choose between the things they may have always thought to be a part of their natural make-up. The problem we face is in knowing that the natural man cannot dwell with God in His Kingdom. We must all at some point enter into a transformation of values, guidelines and desires of our heart that simply do not fit in the dictates of this world or in natural law.
There is as always so much more to be said on this subject, but I pray that you will take the time to meditate on what God has said through these blogs. May you richly bless God through your life in Him.
THE UNWORTHY SERVANT
There are very few things in our lives that are more frightening than being forced to let go of something that has been a part of your personal make up for most of your life, and yet there will be times when God may require us to let go of something that might other wise doom our relationship with Him..; At one point in my life after I finally made the decision within the intent of my heart to follow Him I found myself having to make a choice that I did not know if I could survive without in this life.
This of course was also linked to the generational sins of my fathers which although I fought hard to deal with I was also convinced that my general sex drive was something that was a part of my created being, and not a sinful trait. It was my sexual drive in itself that needed to be conquered through Christ, and not the life within me. I had been trying to make excuses for the one thing that had controlled me deep inside but was not let out because I knew in my heart the intensity of what I felt was not sex, but lust. It was that sin within my heart that I had to deal with, but I first of all had to trust in God enough to take that step of faith. I was in the third year of a beautiful marriage that had been built upon a mutual attraction with a great woman who is Patty my wife, and yet even for that relationship there were strong ties to my sexual drive. I began to also realize that in order for me to grow any closer to God I must first deal with a decision that would change our lives with each other and with what had ruled me for all of my life.
This for me was the one thing that I could not see myself without in life. It was also the one thing that stood between myself and a complete commitment to Christ. In my heart I knew that this had to be dealt with and yet for me it was impossible. This drive was a part of our creation and yet it also had to be governed by God's law. The natural law of " Go forth and multiply" was not the problem but it was the sinful lust tendency that came with that natural law to sin in my heart and mind that I had to deal with. The problem was that I could not simply subdue that drive in the ways society dictated, and I could not turn off what was in my mind...and what God knew was really in my heart. The problem was that as an adult the drive continued to get stronger, and now in my late forties I knew that an answer had to be found. You can only imagine the conversation I had to have with my wife about what was going on within me. At the time she still was not a Christian, and it was time for me to do something completely not understood by this world.
I was at a time and place in my life when I knew that I had to let go , but I did not know how. The thoughts of castration came, and for a long while I considered that because I needed help to quench the drive and submit my desires to God. I was literally at the point where I had to decide which one I wanted more; was it a sexual drive that I could no longer control, or was it my desire to draw closer to God? As my daddy would say "This is where the rubber meets the road".
I tried to wait for God hoping that the silent plea of my heart to compromise would be heard, and yet the Spirit from within me was continuing to tell me to let go! You see it was not the sexual drive that had to be dealt with , but the old nature of the man I was that had to be sacrificed, and with that sacrifice was all of the old ways and the old nature of my very life. I began to realize that as I died to that old self I began to live as a child of God should live; which is free from this world and with God everyday even while I was still alive here. I did indeed go through a kind of castration, but it was a spiritual castration that allowed me to die to the desire that had always ruled me. It was a death in many ways to this world and all it stood for to me in the past. My views of the beauty of women changed to a true appreciation of their created beauty and not to sexual thought, but unfortunately it also included my wife. Although we tried to still carry on a normal relationship we had to learn how to love one another without that part of life because I could no longer perform in that way.It was a real battle for me with old habits popping back up from time to time and the understandable anger that ensued with Patty not understanding what was going on completely we had some difficult times for a while. Of course the enemy would poke and prod all he could to make it more difficult to stand by that decision because when the dust had settled it came down to it being a decision from my hearts desire as what I wanted most in my life; was it God or was it self? There are many of us who secretly are going through some of the same kinds of battles in their own efforts to get closer to God, and who are being challenged to choose between the things they may have always thought to be a part of their natural make-up. The problem we face is in knowing that the natural man cannot dwell with God in His Kingdom. We must all at some point enter into a transformation of values, guidelines and desires of our heart that simply do not fit in the dictates of this world or in natural law.
There is as always so much more to be said on this subject, but I pray that you will take the time to meditate on what God has said through these blogs. May you richly bless God through your life in Him.
THE UNWORTHY SERVANT
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